Brain Dump

Writing 101 – Unblock the Mind
I’m a few (5) days behind on this but I want to do it. So I will be posting this as well.
I always try to write with thought I am absolutely horrible at just letting my mind go on its own. That’s not to say that mind isn’t spontaneously creative but it takes a lot of control. To just write for 25 mins without really thinking about what I am going to write is hard. As a bipolar my mind is typically on at least 15 things, it doesn’t slow down long enough to focus on without a lot of training and medication.
I suppose that this makes me vulnerable exposing the fact that I am not good at just using flow of thought, but I want to be a writer one day. Not just an everyday blogger that rambles and spits out whatever her brain is thinking of at that moment. I want to be able to write a book. I have the premise, why can’t I put it to paper. I start writing and my brain moves on to something else. Even describing a beautiful sunset can be difficult.
Flow of thought what is that exactly do you just post whatever comes into your head? I am listening to music right now while I am writing to help me calm my brain enough to focus. I might have to start singing along eventually. I am having such a difficult time with this. When I read other people’s works it seems that they are just better at this. I’m not saying that they don’t work hard but that they just can focus on an idea.
Even having an idea is not enough to focus on it for me, I can even imagine for a few minutes where things will go, in fact with the book I am hoping to write one day I already have the full story figure out, it’s just all the words that I need to make it go there.
Not to insult the people who write 50 pages books and sell them on amazon, but I would like to go the 300 page route. I like to make things difficult for myself.
I love Air Supply. I often listen to them when I am killing zombies or doing player vs player in a game. There is something so invigorating about being able to whack something while you are bellowing out ballads. I know some people like to listen to heavier music while they do it but that just stresses me out. I try to remain low stress at all times but it is really hard to do as I worry about everything. Seriously everything. Right now as I am writing this I am worrying about 3-4 different things.
Sometimes I wish my brain would just shut the fuck up for a while and simmer down. I don’t know that it ever will. I mean I can’t fully blame my bipolarity for my inability to write my novel because I’ve seen a lot of successful bipolar writers. I think a lot of them are medicated. I currently am not. I decided that right now is a time to take a break from all the heavy medications that were poisoning my body and not really helping my mind. I can tell you one thing I don’t feel like myself, whoever myself.
I guess that is always a question I ask myself. Who am I? I feel like Zoolander staring into a puddle. It would have to be a rather large puddle to hold my face and all the question marks surrounding it. Always with the questions, even right now I am question if I can actually write for 25 full minutes, do I have enough in my brain. Oh my god I am having a hot flash, I hate menopause. Having it too early did not help either, it feels like someone is holding a branding iron like a millimeter from my chest, my entire body just immediately got soaked. I keep this house at 68 degrees and it feels like I’m in 127 with humidity.
The body was not made for removal of organs, yet I am missing my uterus, ovaries and gall bladder. I wonder what will go next? I would not be surprised if it is my appendix. Getting rid of it would give me on less worry.
I like being in hospitals, you get to relax and sleep and someone is always making sure you’re ok. You get brought all your meals which inevitably make you lose weight. If it wasn’t for all the sick people. Am I right?
The last time I was in the hospital they did a vaginal mesh, exciting right but my bladder was prolapsing and they didn’t have a choice. It was one blunder after another on the hospitals part. They had the leggings on that circulate your blood but forgot to turn the fan on, can you imagine your legs basically wrapping in plastic and there is not air getting in there. I imagine not if you haven’t had it happen. I also was not allowed to leave the hospital until I peed by myself. The problem with that they keep giving you water, plus you have your IV, and I kept trying and trying and I couldn’t go and I told them that and this went for literally hours. I was starting to hurt because I just couldn’t go. They put the catheter back in and all I hear from my nurse is oh my goodness. Apparently a bladder just isn’t supposed to hold that much. I can’t remember how much it was but it was a crazy amount. After that it worked on its own though. I’m surprised the stitches didn’t get torn. My bladder has never been the same since then. Well nothing has been the same since then honestly.
My weight continued to go up with pills for bipolarity and depression and anxiety and menopause. Then binge eating because I am so depressed I am trying to find comfort in food. I remember when I thought I was fat at 160 pounds, I would pay to be that weight again. I dunno I guess I kind of will be paying because I need to get a lapband. It makes me sad.
When I was a kid and teen I was so active, I did gymnastic every day, I ran and walked every where. I was always in motion. Now I mostly sit in front of the computer. I am trying to out at least once a day. It’s work I’ve been an agoraphobic since I was 18, I’ve had good and bad times. Now seems to be one of the better times. My body still protests it though. Giving me tummy trouble every time I go out. It’s daunting. When you fear that everyone is looking at you, you really don’t want to do anything that would actually bring that to pass.
The closer it gets to us moving back home the more stressed that I am. Wow that 25 mins passed a lot faster than I thought it would. Go me!


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