My Computer of Course

Object Lesson

If you asked anyone who knew me what object is me,
It’d easily be the computer you see,
On it I’ve met both my other halves.
A BFF and a spouse that are both must haves,
I have my fun and I have my work too,
It’s really great when i have nothing better to do.
I love my computer and my computer loves me
Now if I could just stop it from blinking c:\\


The Sweetest Scent Is Not A Rose

Nosey Delights

I think the most enticing, sweet, sensual, comforting scent is the lilac. It is so full of body and it fills the air with such a complicated flavor that you can’t help but be enticed by it. Were it a poison I would sip it willingly, inhale it deeply and fall into its succulent depths.

Romantic Afterglow

An Odd Trio

I just stepped away from James, he was curled up with all the blankets snoring peacefully on the rug in front of the fireplace.

We’d thrown our clothes in the washing machine on the way in since we had got caught in a downpour from the car to the house. I wrapped myself in a beach towel I saw flung over the back one of the kitchen chairs.

I hummed quietly to myself as a grabbed together the fixings for the perfect raining day meal. Grilled cheese And tomatoe bisque. I carefully put our food together and got it lined up on a bed tray ready to awaken J with a romantic lunch. I added some candles and a few rose buds left in a vase and started to head back with the food down to snuggle up and keep warm.

As I wandered down the stairs precariously balancing the food on the tray a little black cat darted out in front of me, causing me to tilt to my left. I almost dropped a soup bowl as I juggled and wobbled and flattened everything out.

When I arrived downstairs Jim was awake and his beautiful blue eyes smiled at me as he helped me down with the food then myself. As we started to nibble at our food I asked him where the cat had come from and he just looked at me weird, saying there was never a cat at all.

A Little Everything

Instant Celebrity

I think if I could be someone famous, I would choose someone who is young and a millionaire.
Dakota Fanny would be perfect she is 19, worth about 16 million and is well liked by most.

The first thing I would do is go running! Running with the exuberant run of youth. I’d run until I collapsed on the ground, laying in the sun and just enjoying the feel of the grass beneath me.
After I caught my breath I would head to the bank and withdraw a couple of million dollar checks. I would then donate 1 million to Bipolar research and 1 million to the ASPCA.
After that I would enjoy some of the spoils of being rich. I’d go to a restaurant I would normally never get in and have a lovely meal. I’d go to a spa and get a massage, facial, manicure and pedicure the whole nine yards.
Then I would go shopping in all the stores with the expensive clothing and have a great time trying on different outfits and knowing I could buy any of them I wanted. I’d likely buy a cute outfit and some jewelry for the evening.
At the end of the day I would sneak off to a club. I would just sit in the corner and watch people enjoying themselves. I already love people watching and being able to do it someplace I wouldn’t normally go would make it exciting for me.
Before going to bed, I would think through the mind of a normal non mentally ill person and review the day as it actually happened not as I miscue it in my own mind.

Oh, Canada?

City Planners

If you could clone one element from another city you’ve visited — a building, a cultural institution, a common street food, etc. — and bring it back to your own hometown, what would it be?

This is going to seem really strange. As with all foods they taste different where they are cooked, who has cooked them etc. In Omaha I love the Mexican Food but when I came to California, I found I don’t really like authentic Mexican food at all.

When I first came to Omaha from Canada the Chinese food was all weird to me. WTF Was a crab Rangoon? I was used to Fried Egg-rolls, not with those thin little paper wrappers but with the big chewy ones. Thinking about it makes me drool.

However if I had to move one thing it would have to be the panzerotti I don’t know that I’ve ever even seen one here in the states. It’s a lot like a calzone only it’s twice the size and it is deep fried. There is no sauce inside, in fact you dip it in the sauce and it is truly amazing.

My husband ever being the pragmatist says he would duplicate the weather in California to Omaha. I get that, and it’s smart, but I’m hungry so what can I say lol.

Home Sweet Home

Gone with the Windfall

You just inherited $1,000,000 from an aunt you didn’t even know existed. What’s the first thing you buy (or otherwise use the money for)?

Actually this one is quite easy. There’s really only one thing that I want that would cost me a lot of money. Actually I would even consider it a need.

I want to own a home. Stability is very important to the fragile minds of the mentally ill. However all my life I’ve moved constantly. Every couple of years (sometimes less) my parents would move from house to house. Never a care of how changing schools would affect us. It created an almost transient/gypsy like need in me. I couldn’t settle down once I was on my own either. I moved from apartment to apartment and city to city. I even changed countries!

Several years ago my husband and I bought a house, it never felt like a home though. So 3 years ago when my husband said his employers were interested in him working in California I of course jumped on it. The last 2.5 years all I’ve wanted was a home. I need a home. So much that we are moving back to Nebraska. If you have any idea how beautiful SoCal is pretty much all the time and you know what living in the Midwest is, you know I am damned serious about settling down and buying a house.

So the answer to this one is easy. Buy a home outright. No loans. It also gets us the added benefit for saving towards retirement without having to pay of the 30 year loan!

What a Vision

Dream Teacher

My parents thought I might a lawyer but I’ve always been attracted to architecture. The Roman Era stands out to me because of it’s seemed to really interlock art with structure. I’m not well taught on this sadly, but when looking at architecture to recreate when building in games, I’ve come across Apollodorus of Damascus. He create some stunning pieces. The Arch of Trajin and one of the most famous pieces, The Pantheon.

Now I really love architecture from all over the world. Rome just happens to be the very first I ever wanted to really visit and it’s on my bucket list. Being taught by someone so skilled would be a great honor. Thinking about this has again made me think about being an architect. I wish I was better at math. I have a feeling that my buildings might be like me, clumbsy lol.

Brain Dump

Writing 101 – Unblock the Mind
I’m a few (5) days behind on this but I want to do it. So I will be posting this as well.
I always try to write with thought I am absolutely horrible at just letting my mind go on its own. That’s not to say that mind isn’t spontaneously creative but it takes a lot of control. To just write for 25 mins without really thinking about what I am going to write is hard. As a bipolar my mind is typically on at least 15 things, it doesn’t slow down long enough to focus on without a lot of training and medication.
I suppose that this makes me vulnerable exposing the fact that I am not good at just using flow of thought, but I want to be a writer one day. Not just an everyday blogger that rambles and spits out whatever her brain is thinking of at that moment. I want to be able to write a book. I have the premise, why can’t I put it to paper. I start writing and my brain moves on to something else. Even describing a beautiful sunset can be difficult.
Flow of thought what is that exactly do you just post whatever comes into your head? I am listening to music right now while I am writing to help me calm my brain enough to focus. I might have to start singing along eventually. I am having such a difficult time with this. When I read other people’s works it seems that they are just better at this. I’m not saying that they don’t work hard but that they just can focus on an idea.
Even having an idea is not enough to focus on it for me, I can even imagine for a few minutes where things will go, in fact with the book I am hoping to write one day I already have the full story figure out, it’s just all the words that I need to make it go there.
Not to insult the people who write 50 pages books and sell them on amazon, but I would like to go the 300 page route. I like to make things difficult for myself.
I love Air Supply. I often listen to them when I am killing zombies or doing player vs player in a game. There is something so invigorating about being able to whack something while you are bellowing out ballads. I know some people like to listen to heavier music while they do it but that just stresses me out. I try to remain low stress at all times but it is really hard to do as I worry about everything. Seriously everything. Right now as I am writing this I am worrying about 3-4 different things.
Sometimes I wish my brain would just shut the fuck up for a while and simmer down. I don’t know that it ever will. I mean I can’t fully blame my bipolarity for my inability to write my novel because I’ve seen a lot of successful bipolar writers. I think a lot of them are medicated. I currently am not. I decided that right now is a time to take a break from all the heavy medications that were poisoning my body and not really helping my mind. I can tell you one thing I don’t feel like myself, whoever myself.
I guess that is always a question I ask myself. Who am I? I feel like Zoolander staring into a puddle. It would have to be a rather large puddle to hold my face and all the question marks surrounding it. Always with the questions, even right now I am question if I can actually write for 25 full minutes, do I have enough in my brain. Oh my god I am having a hot flash, I hate menopause. Having it too early did not help either, it feels like someone is holding a branding iron like a millimeter from my chest, my entire body just immediately got soaked. I keep this house at 68 degrees and it feels like I’m in 127 with humidity.
The body was not made for removal of organs, yet I am missing my uterus, ovaries and gall bladder. I wonder what will go next? I would not be surprised if it is my appendix. Getting rid of it would give me on less worry.
I like being in hospitals, you get to relax and sleep and someone is always making sure you’re ok. You get brought all your meals which inevitably make you lose weight. If it wasn’t for all the sick people. Am I right?
The last time I was in the hospital they did a vaginal mesh, exciting right but my bladder was prolapsing and they didn’t have a choice. It was one blunder after another on the hospitals part. They had the leggings on that circulate your blood but forgot to turn the fan on, can you imagine your legs basically wrapping in plastic and there is not air getting in there. I imagine not if you haven’t had it happen. I also was not allowed to leave the hospital until I peed by myself. The problem with that they keep giving you water, plus you have your IV, and I kept trying and trying and I couldn’t go and I told them that and this went for literally hours. I was starting to hurt because I just couldn’t go. They put the catheter back in and all I hear from my nurse is oh my goodness. Apparently a bladder just isn’t supposed to hold that much. I can’t remember how much it was but it was a crazy amount. After that it worked on its own though. I’m surprised the stitches didn’t get torn. My bladder has never been the same since then. Well nothing has been the same since then honestly.
My weight continued to go up with pills for bipolarity and depression and anxiety and menopause. Then binge eating because I am so depressed I am trying to find comfort in food. I remember when I thought I was fat at 160 pounds, I would pay to be that weight again. I dunno I guess I kind of will be paying because I need to get a lapband. It makes me sad.
When I was a kid and teen I was so active, I did gymnastic every day, I ran and walked every where. I was always in motion. Now I mostly sit in front of the computer. I am trying to out at least once a day. It’s work I’ve been an agoraphobic since I was 18, I’ve had good and bad times. Now seems to be one of the better times. My body still protests it though. Giving me tummy trouble every time I go out. It’s daunting. When you fear that everyone is looking at you, you really don’t want to do anything that would actually bring that to pass.
The closer it gets to us moving back home the more stressed that I am. Wow that 25 mins passed a lot faster than I thought it would. Go me!

Too Many Faces

Unsafe Containers

Have you ever had someone say watch your face? I’ve been told that way to many times. I lack poor social skills due to the fact I am/was agoraphobic since I was 18. What does that have to do with this prompt? Well I am unable to hide how I feel ever.

I have visibly sneered at people I don’t know, I have cried in the middle of just about everywhere. I’ve been so exuberantly happy that I look like a psycho! I’ve thrown things in public when angry. Until I get those things in check I would prefer that I keep all of them contained.

Though the happy one is usually silly which makes me not give a flip about what people think, which is nice.

She Said Yes

A True Saint
Little did I know that my teens would come to mean something. In the future I would be made the Saint of Misunderstood Sluts. Oh ya you heard that right.

For all the girls looking for love in all the wrong places. For the girls who wanted to be popular but had nothing but two tits and a cleft between their legs to offer. They would realize that they were empowered because at least they fucked and sucked for a reason. Hypersexualized bipolars, abused girls who thought sex was the only way to bury the pain, those who would do anything for anyone would finally have someone to look up to. Someone who understood their plight.

I would be honored.