Sunshine On A Cloudy Day

Climate Control

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She awoke feeling bleh. Her mind was a cloud and every inch of her skin was crawling with impatience. She knew that her depression had set in hard and deep.

She knew that even though the bed and sleep seemed like the most comforting thing to her at the moment she had to fight against the darkness that was creeping into her mind.

Moving to her computer she started to put on the makeup she kept there for such times and took the time and attention to feel good about what she’d done before getting dressed in something comfortable and cute.

Look how you want to feel right?

She headed toward the beach her anger at life building, causing her foolish thoughts of crashing into the assholes that so often filled LA roads. Just running her car into one of these idiots might lift her mood, but she drove on until she reached the coast.

Getting out of the car was the hardest part, already filled with self-hate and no self-esteem coming to the beach was always hard, too many beautiful people. Even though most of her was covered up she was conscious of her weight and scars.

Once away from the safety of her car she started walking along the path, the sun shining from the sky down on her. The ocean was a clear blue with frothy white caps. It was picturesque and peaceful.

Something strange began to happen, her face started to move. Her cheeks were dimpling and her teeth started to show as she smiled! That’s right she smiled. The more she stood outside the more she smiled and the better her mood was.

After 1 hour of walking the sand crests and oceanic view her mood had done a complete 180. She was happy almost to the point of skipping and her day looked hopeful.

Was it the sand, the ocean or the sun? I have no idea but I think the weather had something to do with it.

Mama I Wanna Be A Lawyer

Futures Past

As a child I was argumentative to say the least. My parents would always have a hard time punishing me because I would inevitably find a loophole in their punishment.
They would tell me that I was grounded for an entire week but by the weekend I would be out getting into more trouble. Luckily what a week is in reality was different from my parents thought.
Actually pulling things over on them wasn’t really all that hard and I found I could do the same thing with teachers, vice-principals security guards and boyfriends to name a few. I was always able to twist things in my favor. Detention? No I would just have to work out extra hard in the gymnastics practice.. Was I stealing that magazine, even though it is clearly in my hands walking out of the store, some boy across the mall gave it to me. These were a few things that I managed to do.
I still am able to word things in a way that I always have an out. I always thought this would make me a fantastic lawyer.

Why You?

Trick Questions

If a prize winning Pulitzer reporter was reporting on me, I would think there would be a mistake. Though to be written about would be awesome. The three questions I wouldn’t want to be asked in no particular order are.

Who are you? (Always a hard one to answer)
What inspires you?
Do you think you deserve this?

Since I spend a great deal of time in my own mind hating myself any of these questions would be really hard on me. The last one would be the worst because even if I did deserve the piece, that would automatically be a no..

The Green Swimmer

Mutants and Hybrids

If I was to mix my humanity with plant, animal or mineral I know exactly what I would do.
I’d have gills so that I could swim endlessly, I love spending my time in the water and being able to swim deep and long without any interruptions for air would be amazing. I’d still be able to breathe on land but I would be quite happy in the sea or on the land.
I’d also like chlorophyll so that I could get my nutrition from the sun and not have to worry about eating. My body would absorb what I would need so that I would never binge on chocolate cake or chips. I wouldn’t even really want it. I would be sexy and svelte and though my skin would be green, I think I could pull it off with my swimmer’s body 😀

Dollah Dollah Bill

Finders, Keepers?

Treasure Hunter - Day 18

Treasure Hunter – Day 18

Funnily enough finding something on the beach has long been a dream of mine. When my sister and I were younger we were at Grand Bend which is a beach sort of near London, Ontario. We found a wallet and inside was 400 dollars. We took the four hundred as a finders fee and put the wallet in the mail box so it could get returned to it’s owner. I was 14 and she was 12, what can you really expect from teenagers who were basically poor.

Today I would like to think that it would be different. If someone found my engagement ring I would hope they would return it to me because it holds more then monetary value. I would turn in anything I found like that to the police. I would prefer to find something that can’t be so easily returned. Olds Coins, Old Keys, you know antiquities. Fun stuff. Just for the excitement of finding it. If I found an envelope of cash, I’d have no choice but to keep it, cause really who brings a envelope of cash to the beach? Criminals maybe.. Ya that’d be all mine. 😛

A Dream – Repost from Abipolarsreality – Which is me.

There was a young girl named Tuesday whose mother was gone for long periods of time. She was very lonely as her father was always at work or out with his friends.

One day her mother brought her home a purple teddy bear with a pink bow to keep her company and keep her safe.

The girl was thrilled and the bear made a wonderful friend! It protected her from the monsters in the closet and under the bed. It played with her when she was lonely and loved her like only a mother could. It did such a wonderful job in fact that she never noticed that her mom had never come home again after that day.

As she grew up she took the bear with her everywhere. It was even packed to take with her as she left for college.

When she got to her dorm room, she unpacked everything and realized the bear was gone. She searched frantically trying to find it but all she could find was a boring brown bear. She called home to ask her father if he had seen it and he slurringly told her that he had thrown it away.

She cried and cried, horrified to have lost the only friend she had ever had.

She walked through the halls of school looking frightened and sad a mere shadow of the happy girl that she used to be. She started noticing things around her, the people scared her and often she felt like at any moment she was going to die her heart pounding so hard in her chest she thought it would pop through.

The brown bear was no substitution and she always felt ill at ease in it’s presence. Even though her father had given it to her as a replacement it didn’t hold the love and protection her purple bear had. It made her mind ask a question she never thought to ask before.

Where was her mother?

She called her father and he mumbled that he didn’t know, that she had disappeared years ago.

She started to see the monsters everywhere again. Threatening her, teasing her always making her feel unsafe.

She called family and the police but no one knew where her mother had gone.

She couldn’t handle school anymore so she returned home. Tuesday could see things with clear eyes, her drunken father, the house barely standing, filled with garbage and 100’s of bottles of all various kinds and shapes.

She searched every room in the house trying to find some hint of where her mother had gone and couldn’t even find a picture.

She realized there was one room she hadn’t checked and as she rushed to the door she realized it was locked and that for some reason it frightened her very badly. She asked her father for the key but he said he had lost it before he fell asleep in a drunken stupor.

She sat in the floor in frustration, tears forming in her eyes when she saw her purple teddy in her minds eye. It gave her the idea to pick the lock since it was one of those old skeleton types that were so easy to open.

She took some bobby pins and poked and prodded until *click* the door creaked open. She sat for a moment catching her breath as her heart started to pound, her mouth got bitter as she could feel the bile building up in her throat. Then she stood up, tucked her chin and slowly walked up the stairs to the attic.

The room was bright, as the sun streamed through the windows. In the corner was a colorful chest and on top of it was her purple bear! She squealed with glee and pick it up hugging it to her chest and humming a happy song. The bear dragged her towards the chest and she ran forward her fingers pressing the buttons on the front.

It sprang open her throat catching a scream as her eyes caught the skeleton. The skeleton of someone she knew. She recognized the locket around it’s neck. This was her mother and held in her mothers arms was a purple bear with a pink bow just like the one she was given many years ago….

No You Shut Up and Listen

Breaking the Silence

If any of you read my other blog abipolarsreality.com then you know this past summer my mother and sister came to visit me. I was really excited about it. I hadn’t seen my sister in 13 years and the last visit I had with my mom was pretty great. We were stoned the entire time, that should have been telling. I thought it would help me break out of my shell and assist in my exposure therapy.

However when my mother got here she took over my home making me feel like a horrible housekeeper. Lied to me about food she prepared so that I would eat it, because apparently I’m a child and don’t know what I like. She used my home like a hotel/bed and breakfast and when she and my sister went out sight-seeing I was only invited once and that was because I mumbled something about wanting to go out. Wow even right now writing about it makes me hurt and get teary. The visit was a nightmare.

I wish I had of said something to her but I was afraid. In the months before the visit on the phone, she was awesome and supportive about my mental illness and what I needed to work on. Once she was here though she was a completely different animal. She made me cry every single day, sometimes multiple times.

I’d always felt that the my sisters born from her second marriage were better than us. She was different with them. More supportive and more caring. I had gotten to the point where I thought that I maybe imagined it, but clearly I was right.

I wish I had of had the nerve to tell her how much she was hurting me. I wish I could have made her see how her behavior was affecting me, but I didn’t. Apparently even months later it is still a bruise on my heart and I still can’t say anything to her about it.