Brain Dump

Writing 101 – Unblock the Mind
I’m a few (5) days behind on this but I want to do it. So I will be posting this as well.
I always try to write with thought I am absolutely horrible at just letting my mind go on its own. That’s not to say that mind isn’t spontaneously creative but it takes a lot of control. To just write for 25 mins without really thinking about what I am going to write is hard. As a bipolar my mind is typically on at least 15 things, it doesn’t slow down long enough to focus on without a lot of training and medication.
I suppose that this makes me vulnerable exposing the fact that I am not good at just using flow of thought, but I want to be a writer one day. Not just an everyday blogger that rambles and spits out whatever her brain is thinking of at that moment. I want to be able to write a book. I have the premise, why can’t I put it to paper. I start writing and my brain moves on to something else. Even describing a beautiful sunset can be difficult.
Flow of thought what is that exactly do you just post whatever comes into your head? I am listening to music right now while I am writing to help me calm my brain enough to focus. I might have to start singing along eventually. I am having such a difficult time with this. When I read other people’s works it seems that they are just better at this. I’m not saying that they don’t work hard but that they just can focus on an idea.
Even having an idea is not enough to focus on it for me, I can even imagine for a few minutes where things will go, in fact with the book I am hoping to write one day I already have the full story figure out, it’s just all the words that I need to make it go there.
Not to insult the people who write 50 pages books and sell them on amazon, but I would like to go the 300 page route. I like to make things difficult for myself.
I love Air Supply. I often listen to them when I am killing zombies or doing player vs player in a game. There is something so invigorating about being able to whack something while you are bellowing out ballads. I know some people like to listen to heavier music while they do it but that just stresses me out. I try to remain low stress at all times but it is really hard to do as I worry about everything. Seriously everything. Right now as I am writing this I am worrying about 3-4 different things.
Sometimes I wish my brain would just shut the fuck up for a while and simmer down. I don’t know that it ever will. I mean I can’t fully blame my bipolarity for my inability to write my novel because I’ve seen a lot of successful bipolar writers. I think a lot of them are medicated. I currently am not. I decided that right now is a time to take a break from all the heavy medications that were poisoning my body and not really helping my mind. I can tell you one thing I don’t feel like myself, whoever myself.
I guess that is always a question I ask myself. Who am I? I feel like Zoolander staring into a puddle. It would have to be a rather large puddle to hold my face and all the question marks surrounding it. Always with the questions, even right now I am question if I can actually write for 25 full minutes, do I have enough in my brain. Oh my god I am having a hot flash, I hate menopause. Having it too early did not help either, it feels like someone is holding a branding iron like a millimeter from my chest, my entire body just immediately got soaked. I keep this house at 68 degrees and it feels like I’m in 127 with humidity.
The body was not made for removal of organs, yet I am missing my uterus, ovaries and gall bladder. I wonder what will go next? I would not be surprised if it is my appendix. Getting rid of it would give me on less worry.
I like being in hospitals, you get to relax and sleep and someone is always making sure you’re ok. You get brought all your meals which inevitably make you lose weight. If it wasn’t for all the sick people. Am I right?
The last time I was in the hospital they did a vaginal mesh, exciting right but my bladder was prolapsing and they didn’t have a choice. It was one blunder after another on the hospitals part. They had the leggings on that circulate your blood but forgot to turn the fan on, can you imagine your legs basically wrapping in plastic and there is not air getting in there. I imagine not if you haven’t had it happen. I also was not allowed to leave the hospital until I peed by myself. The problem with that they keep giving you water, plus you have your IV, and I kept trying and trying and I couldn’t go and I told them that and this went for literally hours. I was starting to hurt because I just couldn’t go. They put the catheter back in and all I hear from my nurse is oh my goodness. Apparently a bladder just isn’t supposed to hold that much. I can’t remember how much it was but it was a crazy amount. After that it worked on its own though. I’m surprised the stitches didn’t get torn. My bladder has never been the same since then. Well nothing has been the same since then honestly.
My weight continued to go up with pills for bipolarity and depression and anxiety and menopause. Then binge eating because I am so depressed I am trying to find comfort in food. I remember when I thought I was fat at 160 pounds, I would pay to be that weight again. I dunno I guess I kind of will be paying because I need to get a lapband. It makes me sad.
When I was a kid and teen I was so active, I did gymnastic every day, I ran and walked every where. I was always in motion. Now I mostly sit in front of the computer. I am trying to out at least once a day. It’s work I’ve been an agoraphobic since I was 18, I’ve had good and bad times. Now seems to be one of the better times. My body still protests it though. Giving me tummy trouble every time I go out. It’s daunting. When you fear that everyone is looking at you, you really don’t want to do anything that would actually bring that to pass.
The closer it gets to us moving back home the more stressed that I am. Wow that 25 mins passed a lot faster than I thought it would. Go me!

Too Many Faces

Unsafe Containers

Have you ever had someone say watch your face? I’ve been told that way to many times. I lack poor social skills due to the fact I am/was agoraphobic since I was 18. What does that have to do with this prompt? Well I am unable to hide how I feel ever.

I have visibly sneered at people I don’t know, I have cried in the middle of just about everywhere. I’ve been so exuberantly happy that I look like a psycho! I’ve thrown things in public when angry. Until I get those things in check I would prefer that I keep all of them contained.

Though the happy one is usually silly which makes me not give a flip about what people think, which is nice.

She Said Yes

A True Saint
Little did I know that my teens would come to mean something. In the future I would be made the Saint of Misunderstood Sluts. Oh ya you heard that right.

For all the girls looking for love in all the wrong places. For the girls who wanted to be popular but had nothing but two tits and a cleft between their legs to offer. They would realize that they were empowered because at least they fucked and sucked for a reason. Hypersexualized bipolars, abused girls who thought sex was the only way to bury the pain, those who would do anything for anyone would finally have someone to look up to. Someone who understood their plight.

I would be honored.

Mama I Wanna Be A Lawyer

Futures Past

As a child I was argumentative to say the least. My parents would always have a hard time punishing me because I would inevitably find a loophole in their punishment.
They would tell me that I was grounded for an entire week but by the weekend I would be out getting into more trouble. Luckily what a week is in reality was different from my parents thought.
Actually pulling things over on them wasn’t really all that hard and I found I could do the same thing with teachers, vice-principals security guards and boyfriends to name a few. I was always able to twist things in my favor. Detention? No I would just have to work out extra hard in the gymnastics practice.. Was I stealing that magazine, even though it is clearly in my hands walking out of the store, some boy across the mall gave it to me. These were a few things that I managed to do.
I still am able to word things in a way that I always have an out. I always thought this would make me a fantastic lawyer.

Save A Life

The Kindness of Stranger – Daily Prompt

I’m older and slower then the other dogs here and it’s hard for me see. Sometimes I miss with my tongue when trying to kiss people, they has flavor but I just hit the holes in the gate. I’m 15 years old and cry a lot at night. I’m lonely. All my cage mates are gone. I can still smell the humans coming through though. Sometimes they don’t even stop by to see me.
I love my daily walk I get fresh air and when I see Jack come to take me for a walk I am excited. He starts taking me a different way and I start to shiver and quake with excitement. It makes me pee a little by accident on the floor. Jack understands though.
I’m taken to a room with 3 strange humans. A male, A female and one that is smaller then me! My tail starts wagging and I get a lot of pets. This is so much fun and feels good. I can hear them talking but the only words I understand are walk, drive, food, good.
The male reaches down to attach a leash to my collar and Jack bends down looking me in the eyes. He looks happy and says good boy! I’m a good boy! They start taking me away from Jack I am afraid and excited. We are going in a car!! I love hanging my head out of the window.
It’s a short trip and then we go into a building. It smells like people and a strange dog. A young pup comes up to me, smelling me and licking at me. I remember to be patient. They let me off the leash and I cautiously explore, finding a big comfy cushion to lie on. They call me a good boy and say the word home. I think I’m staying here. I nervously look around and close my eyes and sleep as I think of the word home.