No You Shut Up and Listen

Breaking the Silence

If any of you read my other blog then you know this past summer my mother and sister came to visit me. I was really excited about it. I hadn’t seen my sister in 13 years and the last visit I had with my mom was pretty great. We were stoned the entire time, that should have been telling. I thought it would help me break out of my shell and assist in my exposure therapy.

However when my mother got here she took over my home making me feel like a horrible housekeeper. Lied to me about food she prepared so that I would eat it, because apparently I’m a child and don’t know what I like. She used my home like a hotel/bed and breakfast and when she and my sister went out sight-seeing I was only invited once and that was because I mumbled something about wanting to go out. Wow even right now writing about it makes me hurt and get teary. The visit was a nightmare.

I wish I had of said something to her but I was afraid. In the months before the visit on the phone, she was awesome and supportive about my mental illness and what I needed to work on. Once she was here though she was a completely different animal. She made me cry every single day, sometimes multiple times.

I’d always felt that the my sisters born from her second marriage were better than us. She was different with them. More supportive and more caring. I had gotten to the point where I thought that I maybe imagined it, but clearly I was right.

I wish I had of had the nerve to tell her how much she was hurting me. I wish I could have made her see how her behavior was affecting me, but I didn’t. Apparently even months later it is still a bruise on my heart and I still can’t say anything to her about it.


Vacation From My Brain

Witness Protection – The Daily Prompt
I am bipolar
I have borderline personality disorder
I have social anxiety
I am agoraphobic

For some reason though these things disappear when I am on vacation in another state. I don’t know anyone where I live currently but maybe its because I know if I mess up they will never see me again. So I am more relaxed. I can go to fairs and beaches and water parks (with the fish and mammals). I can swim in the hotel pool in fact you will rarely get me out of it. I’ll eat in restaurants and go to bars. All things that I normally would never do.

That’s not to say I don’t have some anxiety it just is overridden by the joy of doing things.

I’ve just recently started leaving my home to do small things like walk around the block. However I went to Vegas for my mom in laws wedding and did things I have never done before. I went in a cab, I went down to the casino a couple times on my own and I ate at two different restaurants. So I think complete strangers are the only ones that get to really witness my accomplishments.