If I were fearless I’d explore the world. Nothing would stop me, not heights or bugs or germs and people. Animals would seem like nothing but bundles of cute to me and I wouldn’t fear quenching my thirst from local sources.
I’d write a book and paint plenty of art not caring if others liked them or not. I wouldn’t fear failure in the things that I did. I could accomplish anything because I would believe in myself and not be afraid of trying and learning.
I would be a whole person. I would have friends and foes and acquaintances too. I’d be the life of the party without the need for alcohol or weed. ( like I can find weed in Omaha anyhow ).
I’d wear what I wanted not caring what others thought and feeling good because I am being me instead of what society thinks I should be.
I would try out a lot more foods. Instead of sticking with the things that make me comfortable I would dabble and nibble and try something new any chance I could get.
I would be amazing if I had no fear..
Summer was really the one time when I was a child that I got some freedoms my parents were often drunk and too self involved to notice anything. My loved the cologne Tabu and wore it daily and heavily.
When I would come home after a wonderful day of doing whatever I felt like doing my parents would gather us kids up and put on the record player for the family sing a long. My dad would pull out his guitar my mother would separate us into girl and boy parts and we would just sing and have a wonderful time.
Those two scents together always bring back those happy memories!
If any of you read my other blog abipolarsreality.com then you know this past summer my mother and sister came to visit me. I was really excited about it. I hadn’t seen my sister in 13 years and the last visit I had with my mom was pretty great. We were stoned the entire time, that should have been telling. I thought it would help me break out of my shell and assist in my exposure therapy.
However when my mother got here she took over my home making me feel like a horrible housekeeper. Lied to me about food she prepared so that I would eat it, because apparently I’m a child and don’t know what I like. She used my home like a hotel/bed and breakfast and when she and my sister went out sight-seeing I was only invited once and that was because I mumbled something about wanting to go out. Wow even right now writing about it makes me hurt and get teary. The visit was a nightmare.
I wish I had of said something to her but I was afraid. In the months before the visit on the phone, she was awesome and supportive about my mental illness and what I needed to work on. Once she was here though she was a completely different animal. She made me cry every single day, sometimes multiple times.
I’d always felt that the my sisters born from her second marriage were better than us. She was different with them. More supportive and more caring. I had gotten to the point where I thought that I maybe imagined it, but clearly I was right.
I wish I had of had the nerve to tell her how much she was hurting me. I wish I could have made her see how her behavior was affecting me, but I didn’t. Apparently even months later it is still a bruise on my heart and I still can’t say anything to her about it.
she just bounds around in excitement waiting to see him.
I lift her up to see his tiny frame and you can see the joy.
Tail wagging she licks at his face.
She follows him from room to room.
They are always together.
She loves him and he her.
Two puppies becoming a family.