The sky is filled with ashen clouds,
The ground is black and tarry,
I remember when the moon was in the sky,
It was bright and it was starry.
The sun is gone and my bodies weak,
I can barely stand on my own.
Maybe I’ll just lay here and give up,
Dying all alone.
The Darkness has fallen over my heart,
There’s nothing but blackness all around.
I want to give up and not fight anymore,
Fall lifeless to the ground.
Breaking the Silence
If any of you read my other blog abipolarsreality.com then you know this past summer my mother and sister came to visit me. I was really excited about it. I hadn’t seen my sister in 13 years and the last visit I had with my mom was pretty great. We were stoned the entire time, that should have been telling. I thought it would help me break out of my shell and assist in my exposure therapy.
However when my mother got here she took over my home making me feel like a horrible housekeeper. Lied to me about food she prepared so that I would eat it, because apparently I’m a child and don’t know what I like. She used my home like a hotel/bed and breakfast and when she and my sister went out sight-seeing I was only invited once and that was because I mumbled something about wanting to go out. Wow even right now writing about it makes me hurt and get teary. The visit was a nightmare.
I wish I had of said something to her but I was afraid. In the months before the visit on the phone, she was awesome and supportive about my mental illness and what I needed to work on. Once she was here though she was a completely different animal. She made me cry every single day, sometimes multiple times.
I’d always felt that the my sisters born from her second marriage were better than us. She was different with them. More supportive and more caring. I had gotten to the point where I thought that I maybe imagined it, but clearly I was right.
I wish I had of had the nerve to tell her how much she was hurting me. I wish I could have made her see how her behavior was affecting me, but I didn’t. Apparently even months later it is still a bruise on my heart and I still can’t say anything to her about it.