I hate it when I am in front of the video camera. I realize that I am a big girl but I swear the camera makes me look twice the size I feel. I can sorta carry a tune but I can’t magically turn into a size 10. I would be happy of I could never see myself again.
I look in the mirror and see my age.
I hate what I see, the faint wrinkles.
why do we change?
I looked at myself and saw the freckles on my cheeks,
The used to be considered cute.
Now they are age spots, a sign of my body decaying.
Why do we age?
I look and see the weight I’ve gained, I used to be a mere 90, sure my bones were showing but I felt sexy.
Now my body is bulging and scarred from the weight I continue to gain.
Why can’t we stay as we are?
I would take being happy and healthy and not filled with self hate.
Why can’t I love myself.
The sky is filled with ashen clouds,
The ground is black and tarry,
I remember when the moon was in the sky,
It was bright and it was starry.
The sun is gone and my bodies weak,
I can barely stand on my own.
Maybe I’ll just lay here and give up,
Dying all alone.
The Darkness has fallen over my heart,
There’s nothing but blackness all around.
I want to give up and not fight anymore,
Fall lifeless to the ground.
Now if you have been to SoCal, you will know that a majority of people are very self involved. They think they have the right of way regardless of where they are walking or driving. In grocery stores they block the isles without thought to the people who need to pass and blatantly gossip and say hurtful things about others within hearing distance.
Is this all the people of SoCal? Of course not. I live here, I always let people by when walking on the sidewalk. I never block lanes and always say excuse me while struggling to get past those very people who I am talking about. I always give a dollar or two to the people that stand outside of stores or even homeless people. I’ve had pretty girls say things about my weight or look at me with disgust. It’s actually one of the reasons I am going back to Omaha.
It’s clouded my judgment. So much so that if there were people I could have maybe had a chance of being friends, my mind is already put them in the same place as all the mean, vapid whores who live here. (oh I’m talking about both sexes here). I wish I could think differently. It’s just too late to change my mind. I refuse to put myself out there to be mocked or hurt. I’ve never felt like I could belong here. Perhaps in the end it was the judgment of myself that put me at the disadvantage.