I’ve always felt 16 so my age is always horrifying for me, especially as I pass big ones. For some reason this last one was really hard for me. I’m 45!!! For some reason it makes me feel like I should have done more with my life. Like I should be emotionally more mature. I’m not though so what am I gonna do? Fret on my birthday then move on I suppose.
I always believed that when I was all grown up I would never want for anything. I could eat anything that I wanted. I could go into the stores and request any item of any price and it would be mine.
Little did I know that there would be days where I was hungry. Times when all I could do of was dream of having the simplistic comforts.
At this point in my life, things are better and I have what a lot of people call first world problems. Took me a long time to reach this point but honestly I think life is better than I could have ever imagined.
When I have things to do, things that can wait. In reality everyting can wait can’t it? I nap!
I love to close my eyes and dream of the future and the past, even the nightmares are more entertaining then the mundane tasks that I put aside for that warm feeling of sleep.
Sure I could be living life, but I’d rather just close my eyes and be where things are more vivid and vibrant and not at all boring or taxing.
I love Photoshop but don’t use it on my blog all that often 😀 So here’s my life in a movie poster format!
Life is fragile. Humans are born vulnerable physically to predators and illness born in the air. Birds can barely move their heads and have no feathers. Many animals are born blind in the beginning. Plants are easily stepped on, especially their fragile shoots. Everything about life is just so easily ruined at the whim of others or nature.
I’m fragile. Easily broken and torn apart. My scars and wounds slow to mend. My mind barely holding on to sanity on some days, a fragility of it’s own.
What would I miss if I never saw you again?
Your animals, plants and all mammals but man.
I would miss your vast oceans, sparkling and blue,
Your ponds, bogs and lakes brimming with life too.
I would miss your forests and jungles and genus allium,
I’d miss your drinks made from fruit and the occasional valium.
I’d miss your natural music, thunder storms and the rain,
I’d miss the seasons, summer, fall, spring and even winter the pain.
I’d miss all your vibrancy, your smells and your colors so grand,
I’d keep asking myself why I left again and again.
If I went to Mars and I wasn’t alone,
I might have seriously just stayed the fuck home.
She stood in front of the mirror with all her newly bought makeup, watching YouTube videos over and over again to get the application just right. She moved brushes carefully over her face following each tiny detail of everything she was watching. She kept going until her skin looked flawless, her eyes were larger and expertly lined and her lips were rich and full.
She looked at herself and her eyes got teary as she realized she had reached her goal of makeup perfection but she still could not see past the fictional ugliness she saw in herself.
She took a picture trying to mark this as a memory of the good job she could do. Trying to look at it positively but all she could see was the boring hazel of her eyes, the crooked natural line of her lips and her too round face. Everything was off, like a horrible mask. No matter how long she looked at herself she just found more and more flaws, a lifeless façade.
No matter what she did the ugly she saw was always be at the forefront.
Thank you for supporting me through all my crazy. The anxiety, the bipolarity, the insecurities and rash behaviors associated with my borderline personality disorder. Thank you for staying home with me when I just couldn’t leave and then hopping up and going out when I felt I could. You’ve never complained and always stood by my side, showing me more love than I ever thought I deserved. Thank you for keeping me alive.