It’s All About The Noise

Sleepytime

My bed time is not set in stone, I often have insomnia or something else going on. I do however have some rituals that help me fall asleep.

I am unable to enjoy silence. I need more than just the sound of the clicks of the air conditioner or the hum of the fan. I need actual noise.

I have several movies that I will turn on as I try to go to sleep. In the past it has been, South Park the Movie, Chronicles of Riddick, Iron Giant or Beauty and the Beast. I know them well. I find the sounds comforting and I don’t need to concentrate on anything. It’s enough to distract me from my own brain, counting the seconds until a favorite quote while I play the movie in my head. It works quite well even if it doesn’t always lull me to sleep.

Lately I play Frozen from Disney several times a night. I can typically dose off right after “Let it go” and I will sleep until the end where Demi Lovato then butchers the same song. (You can agree to disagree I don’t care). This has become my sleep pattern and I repeat it each night. Does it work? Well it is better then laying in bed and not being able to sleep at all or wandering around the house like a zombie trying to find something that won’t create more stress for me.

They say we need silence and no blue light. I disagree though as this works more than anything else does though, even a multitude of sleeping pills don’t work this well.

Why?

I look in the mirror and see my age.
I hate what I see, the faint wrinkles.
why do we change?
I looked at myself and saw the freckles on my cheeks,
The used to be considered cute.
Now they are age spots, a sign of my body decaying.
Why do we age?
I look and see the weight I’ve gained, I used to be a mere 90, sure my bones were showing but I felt sexy.
Now my body is bulging and scarred from the weight I continue to gain.
Why can’t we stay as we are?
I would take being happy and healthy and not filled with self hate.
Why can’t I love myself.

Darkness

The sky is filled with ashen clouds,
The ground is black and tarry,
I remember when the moon was in the sky,
It was bright and it was starry.

The sun is gone and my bodies weak,
I can barely stand on my own.
Maybe I’ll just lay here and give up,
Dying all alone.

The Darkness has fallen over my heart,
There’s nothing but blackness all around.
I want to give up and not fight anymore,
Fall lifeless to the ground.

Fuck depression

Home Is Where The Heart Is

An Ounce of Home

Striking a match Jenni looked over her shoulder one final time at the house she and her husband had called home for the past several years. As she leaned forward to catch the gasoline aflame she smile once more before picking up her various pieces of luggage and throwing them in her car.

She hummed quietly as she drove away thinking about the new life she was starting for herself. An explosion filled the air as she drove away and quietly patted the open cooler beside her.

Looking inside she grinned to herself as she remembered tearing her husbands chest apart with the tree clippers. She knew she would never have to worry. She laughed as she said to herself “Home is where the heart is!”

A Little Everything

Instant Celebrity

I think if I could be someone famous, I would choose someone who is young and a millionaire.
Dakota Fanny would be perfect she is 19, worth about 16 million and is well liked by most.

The first thing I would do is go running! Running with the exuberant run of youth. I’d run until I collapsed on the ground, laying in the sun and just enjoying the feel of the grass beneath me.
After I caught my breath I would head to the bank and withdraw a couple of million dollar checks. I would then donate 1 million to Bipolar research and 1 million to the ASPCA.
After that I would enjoy some of the spoils of being rich. I’d go to a restaurant I would normally never get in and have a lovely meal. I’d go to a spa and get a massage, facial, manicure and pedicure the whole nine yards.
Then I would go shopping in all the stores with the expensive clothing and have a great time trying on different outfits and knowing I could buy any of them I wanted. I’d likely buy a cute outfit and some jewelry for the evening.
At the end of the day I would sneak off to a club. I would just sit in the corner and watch people enjoying themselves. I already love people watching and being able to do it someplace I wouldn’t normally go would make it exciting for me.
Before going to bed, I would think through the mind of a normal non mentally ill person and review the day as it actually happened not as I miscue it in my own mind.