LaLa Land

Writing Space

I think I really do my best writing while I am laying in bed. You know that little bit of time you have between going to sleep and hitting REM? Where your fantasies and realities collide and you have complete control over the way everything goes.

I love that it, it’s a warm safe place away from people and noise and it allows my imagination to go while. Plus since I am not completely asleep I can quickly jot down everything that has passed through the web of my mind before we lose it.

I don’t consider the physical writing part to count, it’s just a necessary means to and end. 🙂

Beer and Tabu

Seasonal Scent

Summer was really the one time when I was a child that I got some freedoms my parents were often drunk and too self involved to notice anything. My loved the cologne Tabu and wore it daily and heavily.

When I would come home after a wonderful day of doing whatever I felt like doing my parents would gather us kids up and put on the record player for the family sing a long. My dad would pull out his guitar my mother would separate us into girl and boy parts and we would just sing and have a wonderful time.

Those two scents together always bring back those happy memories!

It’s All About The Noise


My bed time is not set in stone, I often have insomnia or something else going on. I do however have some rituals that help me fall asleep.

I am unable to enjoy silence. I need more than just the sound of the clicks of the air conditioner or the hum of the fan. I need actual noise.

I have several movies that I will turn on as I try to go to sleep. In the past it has been, South Park the Movie, Chronicles of Riddick, Iron Giant or Beauty and the Beast. I know them well. I find the sounds comforting and I don’t need to concentrate on anything. It’s enough to distract me from my own brain, counting the seconds until a favorite quote while I play the movie in my head. It works quite well even if it doesn’t always lull me to sleep.

Lately I play Frozen from Disney several times a night. I can typically dose off right after “Let it go” and I will sleep until the end where Demi Lovato then butchers the same song. (You can agree to disagree I don’t care). This has become my sleep pattern and I repeat it each night. Does it work? Well it is better then laying in bed and not being able to sleep at all or wandering around the house like a zombie trying to find something that won’t create more stress for me.

They say we need silence and no blue light. I disagree though as this works more than anything else does though, even a multitude of sleeping pills don’t work this well.

The Light

Looking in the sky I see a light moving just slightly, wavering over the landscape. It grows larger on the horizon sending fire over the lands. Flickering vibrant oranges and yellows as it swallows the oceans. Steam filling the air as the plants, animals and people move under its rays. Sunrise is a thing of beauty and makes you feel alive, even as its rays send your closer to death.

Living Life

Right to Brag

Yesterday I went down to Hollywood and visited Madame Tussad’s Wax Museum. I’ve mentioned several times that I am doing exposure therapy to help with my social anxiety and agoraphobia.
I planned to at least get there, if I didn’t go in at least I would get to see some neat stuff on the drive. I only have 9 more days in LA, then we move back home to Omaha.
I am trying to see what I can and was quite proud of myself for not only going into the museum but being silly and enjoying myself when I was there instead of concentrating on my anxiety!

Here’s some silly for ya, and woot go me!!!!

Oh, Canada?

City Planners

If you could clone one element from another city you’ve visited — a building, a cultural institution, a common street food, etc. — and bring it back to your own hometown, what would it be?

This is going to seem really strange. As with all foods they taste different where they are cooked, who has cooked them etc. In Omaha I love the Mexican Food but when I came to California, I found I don’t really like authentic Mexican food at all.

When I first came to Omaha from Canada the Chinese food was all weird to me. WTF Was a crab Rangoon? I was used to Fried Egg-rolls, not with those thin little paper wrappers but with the big chewy ones. Thinking about it makes me drool.

However if I had to move one thing it would have to be the panzerotti I don’t know that I’ve ever even seen one here in the states. It’s a lot like a calzone only it’s twice the size and it is deep fried. There is no sauce inside, in fact you dip it in the sauce and it is truly amazing.

My husband ever being the pragmatist says he would duplicate the weather in California to Omaha. I get that, and it’s smart, but I’m hungry so what can I say lol.

So Fragile

Life is fragile. Humans are born vulnerable physically to predators and illness born in the air. Birds can barely move their heads and have no feathers. Many animals are born blind in the beginning. Plants are easily stepped on, especially their fragile shoots. Everything about life is just so easily ruined at the whim of others or nature.

I’m fragile. Easily broken and torn apart. My scars and wounds slow to mend. My mind barely holding on to sanity on some days, a fragility of it’s own.


She’s A Vapid Whore

Binding Judgment

Now if you have been to SoCal, you will know that a majority of people are very self involved. They think they have the right of way regardless of where they are walking or driving. In grocery stores they block the isles without thought to the people who need to pass and blatantly gossip and say hurtful things about others within hearing distance.

Is this all the people of SoCal? Of course not. I live here, I always let people by when walking on the sidewalk. I never block lanes and always say excuse me while struggling to get past those very people who I am talking about. I always give a dollar or two to the people that stand outside of stores or even homeless people. I’ve had pretty girls say things about my weight or look at me with disgust. It’s actually one of the reasons I am going back to Omaha.

It’s clouded my judgment. So much so that if there were people I could have maybe had a chance of being friends, my mind is already put them in the same place as all the mean, vapid whores who live here. (oh I’m talking about both sexes here). I wish I could think differently. It’s just too late to change my mind. I refuse to put myself out there to be mocked or hurt. I’ve never felt like I could belong here. Perhaps in the end it was the judgment of myself that put me at the disadvantage.

Home Sweet Home

Gone with the Windfall

You just inherited $1,000,000 from an aunt you didn’t even know existed. What’s the first thing you buy (or otherwise use the money for)?

Actually this one is quite easy. There’s really only one thing that I want that would cost me a lot of money. Actually I would even consider it a need.

I want to own a home. Stability is very important to the fragile minds of the mentally ill. However all my life I’ve moved constantly. Every couple of years (sometimes less) my parents would move from house to house. Never a care of how changing schools would affect us. It created an almost transient/gypsy like need in me. I couldn’t settle down once I was on my own either. I moved from apartment to apartment and city to city. I even changed countries!

Several years ago my husband and I bought a house, it never felt like a home though. So 3 years ago when my husband said his employers were interested in him working in California I of course jumped on it. The last 2.5 years all I’ve wanted was a home. I need a home. So much that we are moving back to Nebraska. If you have any idea how beautiful SoCal is pretty much all the time and you know what living in the Midwest is, you know I am damned serious about settling down and buying a house.

So the answer to this one is easy. Buy a home outright. No loans. It also gets us the added benefit for saving towards retirement without having to pay of the 30 year loan!